I think it may be a bad thing when your boss tells you that — “although it’s really admirable” you can “spread yourself so thin” with “all the things you do… and you do a lot!” — perhaps you need to “re-evaluate what is important to you” and plan your life accordingly.
If not a bad thing, well… it ain’t good.
At least not when that assessment is accompanied by the suggestion, no matter how slight and how conditional, that “this may not be the right place for you.”
And especially not when you’ve heard that logic for going on 15 years–that you spread yourself too thin and it’s time to re-evaluate.
Maybe because I have heard it so often and for so long, this precise thought flits through my consciousness –and what passes for some kind of logic– on a regular basis… that no, perhaps this isn’t the right place for me. That I’m not entirely sure what is. That life is a continual re-evaluation. And that it just seems so unfair to all the things we want to become that we must prioritize, record, and justify the ways we spend our hours.
Am I the only one who wants to make everything fit? Or am I just one of the only ones who hasn’t yet figured out what’s MOST important at any given time? Now that also seems unfair.
Huh. Maybe that’s my problem (since it seems that I must have had one for so long). Besides my family and my faith, I just have a really hard time arguing that any one thing is so much more important than the rest. Say… finding a good, steady job over finding ways to make the most of your creative potential. It’s all circumstantial isn’t it? And circumstance changes constantly.
I keep waiting for some big, defining moment when I will just know that this one thing –whatever it may be– is the single most important thing, and the rest is filler, and I’ll be happy. Happy to have made the distinction, happy to let filler be filler and the one thing be the one thing, and just go about my life without worrying that I’m missing the point somehow, or missing something… but it hasn’t happened yet.
I’m not particularly fond of filler, it turns out.
Just keep breathing till you can duck below the waves. Gitcherass outta bed. And play by the perceived rules till you figure it out.