Well, I did say I’d be catching up on writing about some of that biglifechangingstuff, didn’t I? And a promise is a promise, so I hope yuo’ll forgive the longishness of this entry. But it’s important. I promise.
Soooo… as you may have guessed by that none-too-cryptic blog title:
I am in my 12th week right now, so the doc says it’s ok to broadcast… finally! Keeping joyful secrets is usually not a strong point of mine (at least not from people I love and want to share good news with). But I have to say, it’s been really… fun to have this wonderful secret with the husband. Just the two of us (and, ok, a few others).
We don’t have any fun pictures to show at this point. I wish we did, but we are going to have this baby on a budget, folks! And if a couple thousand bucks in ultrasound bills can be delayed… well, you’d better believe we’re delaying.
Instant gratification and the inevitable instant publication that seems to follow these days is highly overrated, even in the baby-world, don’t you think?
Besides, we heard a heartbeat last Friday!
…and that little washing machine whooosh-shu-whooosh-shu-whooosh-shu was more than enough proof for me! There’s a living body growing in there, a tiny little person-to-be, really and truly. It was a miraculous thing to hear, and to witness together with my husband.
So yes, that’s one of the reasons I have been so absent in my blogging. And also, unfortunately, largely absent from my friends these past weeks. A lot of things about the first trimester just made me want to curl up and sleep… and eat.
And I’ll be honest here: Being pregnant and unemployed was not in the lifeplan for this girl at 28. I believe that “there is no good (i.e., convenient) time to have a baby,” and that, “no matter what we do or don’t have in terms of money, we have more than enough love to bring new life into our family.” That’s why we decided to start talking to doctors and thinking about trying to have a baby this year.
And then I got laid off. And then I found out that the depression and stress and total lack of motivation and energy was not just because of losing my job, but because I was pregnant. Had already been pregnant when I got laid off, and when we first went to talk to my doctor, and thought we’d start trying in May. Hah.
There were a couple of major kitchen-floor meltdowns.
“After four years in a career, and now we have hardly any savings, and I’m pregnant and I can’t believe I’m looking into eligibility for medical coupons, and what do I have to show for the last four years?! sniffle sob sob, choke.” You get the idea.
The husband very wisely… and compassionately… waited a few minutes for me to calm down. “You have a new car you bought yourself. You have a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood. You had a beautiful wedding that we paid for ourselves, and you have a marriage to show for it. We can do this.”
I love it when he’s right.
Yes, I’m scared. Yes, it’s going to be very very tight around here for the foreseeable future, whether I get a new job or continue to collect unemployment while I keep trying, again and again and again. Yes, I worry at least a little every day, about how we will manage. And yes, I’m sure you’ll hear about it as I flip back and forth between confidence and joy and utter dread as things come up.
But truly, there’s just so much to be so glad about! I am finally feeling better (I slept clear through the night the last three nights! After a month and a half of terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad nights, you bet I’m feeling on top of the world!), I have tons more energy and I finally feel like getting out to see friends.
And—as someone who has worried for years that pregnancy might not even be an option—I am grateful every day for the miracle of life that God has entrusted to me. I am joyfully overwhelmed by the task of caring for and creating life and I get the giggles more often than the weepies, thank God.
I just can’t believe I married that handsome, funny boy from college and that we are going to have a baby.
What a lucky girl.